Why am I so constantly amazed that I can't have everythilng when for so long I had nothing?

Worry is a kind of rehearsal for action or- more- a throwing of logs on a small bit of burning flame to incite oneself- to action, often of an indendiary kind.
(4/28/92)

Taste- but how much?
Whatever you do
The world pours in
Drink of it deeper and deeper
Still hungers drive the thoughts
Forward pulling time ahead of themselves, drinking
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Celan- the "gravity" of the downward reading-
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also- some qualities of Trilce

"Imagining" I'm magining

All that "looking forward and looking backward"- necessary, but so foolish. I imagine a cup- and 5 years are 1/4 to 1/5 of that cup. I.2.3.4.5.

But there is a poetic flavor to that spendthrift attitude towards time- the irony of having "plenty of time" so much you can "throw it away." It's stupid to live as if you can "save" time- and, like the seasons, our feelings and all of it repeats and repeats, like the tides-

The only sweeteners- courage and love.
(4/29/92)